Kill La Kill: The Abridged Script Series
by Amlagam
Summary: AKA "KLK: the ASS". An affectionate shortened parody of Kill La Kill. Rated T for swearing and violence, since it is Kill La Kill, but no slurs or other questionable things. Reviews are welcome. "Chapter 7: Don't Talk About It" is up.
1. Hardcore

**AIKURO:** mumblemumbleGERMANYmumblemumbleHISTORYmumblemumbleSYMBOLISM

**AIKURO:** mumblemumbleANY QUESTIONS?

**RANDOM STUDENT:** (_quietly_) Actually, I-

**GAMAGOORI:** (_loudly, bursting in through the door_) I WANT YOU KIDS TO SETTLE THE **FLIPPETY-FLAPJACK **DOWN AND LISTEN.

[_words reading __**IRA GAMAGOORI: ENFORCER EXTREME **__flash on the screen_]

**GAMAGOORI:** NOW WHICH ONE OF YOU **DING-DONG DANGLERS **STOLE THE-

**STUDENT:** SON OF A SHITFUCK (_throws down bomb and runs_)

**GAMAGOORI:** (_falling outside of the window_) RUNNING IN THE HALLS, ARE WE?

[_STUDENT opens door. GAMAGOORI is standing there_]

**GAMAGOORI:** THAT'S AGAINST **SCHOOL REGULATIOOOOOOONS.**

[_He throws the STUDENT. The STUDENT lands on the ground, takes out the Goku Uniform, and puts it on. He is abruptly stopped by Gamagoori, who throws him against the wall._]

**GAMAGOORI:** NICE TRY, **STINKMEISTER.**

[_He takes the Goku Uniform back and hands it to a random One-Star_]

[_It cuts to GAMAGOORI shielding his face with his hands from SATSUKI's light. It then pans up to SATSUKI, standing on top of the school with her hands on her sword_.]

[_words saying __**SATSUKI KIRYUIN: **__**THE CHAMPION **__flash on screen_.]

**SATSUKI:** (_loudly_) EXCELLENT WORK, GAMAGOORI. NOW NOBODY WILL DARE DISRESPECT THIS ACADEMY'S AUTHORITY.

[_It cuts to RYUKO standing outside of Honnouji. Words reading **RYUKO MATOI: WANNABE HARDCORE GIRL**_]

**RYUKO:** Did somebody say "disrespecting authority"?

* * *

[_It cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading **EPISODE 1: HARDCORE**_]

* * *

[_it cuts back to RYUKO, buying a lemon and biting into it_]

**RYUKO:** Yeah, I'm so hardcore that I take bites out of lemons. With the peels _on._

[_RYUKO walks up stairs and gets accosted by MATARO_]

**MATARO:** Monologuing, huh? I'd say that deserves a MUGGING!

[_He runs off and takes out his newfound prize_.]

**MATARO:** What the hell? What DEMON takes a bite out a lemon?

**RYUKO:** (_taking the lemon back_) The name's Ryuko, punk. And if you value your life, you'll let me eat my lemon in peace.

**MATARO:** Fuck this shit, I'm leaving! C'mon, guys!

[_MATARO and his GANG run away_]

**RYUKO:** Yeah, you better run! (_under her breath_) Fucking kids these days.

[_cuts to RYUKO looking at the corpse of the STUDENT_]

**RYUKO:** "This kid was killed for defying the rules of Honnouji". I smell an oppressive regime that needs taking down. (_pause_) Oh yeah, and maybe I'll figure out who killed my dad, too.

**AIKURO:** mumblemumbleRYUKO MATOImumblemumblemumble

**MAKO:** HEY NEW GIRL-

**RYUKO:** (_under her breath_) Ryuko.

**MAKO:** COME SIT NEXT TO ME! We can be BEST FRIENDS and CRUSH ANYONE who stands for EVIL! Just like Gamagoori crushed that other kid this morning!

**RYUKO:** Aw yeah, that sounds RAD! …Wait, what?

[_cuts to RYUKO and MAKO walking on the school grounds_]

**RYUKO:** So, you said your name was Mako Mankanshoku?

[_words reading **MAKO MANKANSHOKU: SHE'D MANKAN-CHOKE YOU** flash on the screen_]

**MAKO:** Yep! It's just like the shark that could rip people apart and destroy them!

**RYUKO:** Alright then Mako, you don't seem that bad. Aside from all your… statements.

**MAKO:** (_giggles_)

**RYUKO:** Okay, so-

**MAKO:** (_shoving RYUKO's head down_) Watch out! Here comes Gamagoori! Bow or die, Ryuko! You either bow! Or you die!

**RYUKO:** Gamagoori who? Ow, Mako, not so hard!

**MAKO:** Ira Gamagoori, of course! Him and the rest of the Elite Four (_music from Pokemon begins to play in the background_) basically control this school for Satsuki with their magic Three-Star uniforms! Those things let them rip out people's entrails!

**RYUKO:** Satsuki? (_more quietly_)…Entrails..?

[_SATSUKI descends down the stairs. Music from Pokemon gets more intense_.]

**MAKO:** Yeah, there's her now! You shouldn't mess with her unless-

**RYUKO:** Hey, asshat! I just wanna know what you think about… THIS!

[_RYUKO whips out the scissor blade and starts twirling it around in an extremely convoluted fashion_]

**RYUKO:** Pretty hardcore, huh? Yeah, I've been practicing that for days.

[_Music shorts out. There is a long, awkward pause_.]

**SATSUKI:** Do you have anything of actual importance to say?

**RYUKO:** IWASGETTINGTOTHAT! Have you seen this blade before? Say, in the body of a dude who you STABBED WITH IT?

**SATSUKI:** No.

**RYUKO:** (_surprisingly calmly_) Oh. Well then. I guess I should just be (_suddenly angry and rushing at SATSUKI_) CUTTING YOUR EYEBROWS OUT YOU LYING-

[_suddenly, boxing club captain FUKURODA comes out of nowhere and punches RYUKO back into the crowd_]

**FUKURODA:** (_while punching RYUKO_) KEEP YOUR SCISSORS TO YOURSELF, YOU LITTLE-

**SATSUKI:** (_interrupting_) You may taunt her after you beat her down, you boor!

**FUKURODA:** FINE! YOU BETTER PREPARE YOURSELF, YOU LITTLE-

**RYUKO:** (_running away_) CHEESE IT!

**FUKURODA:** DAMMIT! THAT LITTLE-

[_cuts to the ELITE FOUR's meeting room. Pained noises are coming from the room. It cuts to FUKURODA on the floor, looking like he was just hit over the head with a bamboo sword_]

**GAMAGOORI:** Did you just hit him over the head with a bamboo sword?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Chill, dude.

[_words reading __**UZU SANAGEYAMA: THINKS HE'S COOL **__appear on the screen_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** He, like, totally deserved it for being so fucking unrad and letting that chick get away. And I thought you liked discipline, bro-man.

**INUMUTA:** Never say the words "unrad" or "bro-man" again.

[_words reading __**HOUKA INUMUTA: HE IS NOT A ROBOT **__appear on the screen_]

**INUMUTA:** And speaking of anachronistic slang-users, that "hardcore" girl has been going about for a while now and attacking other- (_his collar closes in the middle of his talking_)

**INUMUTA:** (_muffled, with SANAGEYAMA laughing in the background_) Oh, not again.

**NONON:** You should get your collar fixed, techno. Seems like it wants you to shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

[_words reading __**NONON JAKUZURE: THE RINGLEADER. SHE CALLS THE SHOTS (CALLS THE SHOTS) **__appear on the screen_]

**NONON:** What the fuck are these words? Get out! (_the words disappear_) Anyways, punk-rock girl should be the one shutting up. I mean, how dare she try to stab MY Satsuki's eyebrows out with what, a SCISSOR?

**SATSUKI:** Yes, I am most disgusted by this hooligan's assumption that she can threaten my eyebrows and survive. However, the blade itself is quite interesting. Inumuta! Google this girl's name for me.

**INUMUTA:** (_still muffled_) Alright, give me a millesecon- It's Ryuko Matoi.

**SATSUKI:** Interesting. Now! Order us pizza, Inumuta.

[_cuts to RYUKO, leaning on her scissor blade in her dad's house_.]

**RYUKO:** God DAMMIT! I can't believe that I couldn't find my dad's killer OR win against that boxing guy! That is SO NOT HARDCORE.

[_a trapdoor opens underneath RYUKO_]

**RYUKO:** That is, though HOLY SHIT

[_RYUKO falls through the trapdoor. It then shows AIKURO, standing nearby_.]

**AIKURO:** (_taking off his sunglasses_) Now….ellipsis….. GOANDFACEYOURDESTINYRYUKO

[_cuts to RYUKO, now underneath the house_]

**RYUKO:** Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Ugh, I can't believe I'm still bleeding. It's lucky that there's no vampire clothing in this fabric pile, though, or that would've been-

[_SENKETSU bursts out of the pile_]

**SENKETSU:** GIVEMEYOURBLOOD!

**RYUKO:** OH FU-

[_cuts to the next day, with MAKO captured by FUKURODA and SANAGEYAMA_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Hey, bro. Sorry for smackin' you with my sword the other day. Are we chill now?

**FUKURODA:** It's fine. As long as you don't do it aga-

**SANAGEYAMA:** HAHAHaha ha hahah ha… ha.. You're a funny dude, Fukuroda. Now do your job.

**MAKO:** Oh no! What sort of cold-blooded torture do they have for me? Are they going to pull my eyes out one after the other and dice up my legs to make into hot dogs? Are they going to make paper with my entrails? Are they going to slowly sear the flesh from my bones?

**FUKURODA:** No, no, NO! Geez, you have a twisted imagination. We're just going to boil you in oil! Y'know, nothing too harsh or gross or-

**MAKO:** Searing flesh from my bones it is! Ryuko, help!

[_RYUKO jumps out of the crowd and rescues MAKO_]

**MAKO:** Yay! Ryuko, you came for me!

**FUKURODA:** There you are, you little-

**RYUKO:** Dude, I know that Honnouji Academy is unrad, but I didn't expect you to be THIS outdated, either! I mean, seriously, taking hostages? That's one of the oldest tropes in the book, man!

**FUKURODA:** (_coming for RYUKO with his fist_) Says the girl who uses words like "rad" and actually fell for-

**SANAGEYAMA:** (_interrupting_) Hey! What's wrong with using the word "rad"?

**RYUKO:** (_with her cloak falling off and SENKETSU's transformed mode being revealed_) HA! I won't be beaten like that again!

**FUKURODA:** OH GODROBES WHAT

**RYUKO:** Y'like Senketsu? I got him a few hours ago. I could tell you the story, but I'm pretty sure that there will be a flashback to explain him later.

**FUKURODA:** Yeah? Well, that's still no match for THESE!(_he reveals his gloves' real form_)

**RYUKO:** OH GODROBES WHAT

**FUKURODA:** (_lunging to attack again_) Get ready, because I-

[_the gloves shatter_]

**FUKURODA:** WHAT THE-

**RYUKO:** Told you, bro! Senketsu is HARDCORE AS FUCK. Now, it's time for YOU to get gloved.

**FUKURODA:** What does that ev- (_RYUKO uses her finishing move on him_) ARGH!

**RYUKO:** I guess someone just got… Ryukoed.

**MAKO:** Wow, I didn't know you could invent words, Ryuko!

**RYUKO:** You know what never mind

**SANAGEYAMA:** LIKE, HOLY FUCKBALLS THIS IS SO TOTALLY UNRAD

**GAMAGOORI:** DID THAT LITTLE **TROUBLEBUBBLE **JUST-

**NONON:** SHE JUST DESTROYED HIS GOKU UNIFORM

**INUMUTA:** I guess you could say that he was.. stripped of the will to fight.

**SATSUKI:** Inumuta, stop.

[_RYUKO sends FUKURODA flying. His blood hits SATSUKI, and she wipes it off_]

**SATSUKI:** How dare you get this person's blood on me. Where did you even get that scissor and that outfit in the first place?

**RYUKO:** Well, I got both of these things from my dad, who YOU KILLED.

**SATSUKI:** I already told you that I did not-

**RYUKO:** SORRY DIDN'T HEAR YOU GOING TO AVENGE MY DAD


	2. Cliche

**SATSUKI:** No, but seriously. Why would I want to kill Isshin Matoi, who I definitely know nothing about?

**RYUKO:** Ah! Ah! You said his name. That means you know who he is!

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, you might not want to know this right now...

**RYUKO:** WHAT?

**SENKETSU:** But you're going to pass out.

**RYUKO:** SHIT! I'LL GET YOU LATER, SATSUKI KIRYUUUUUIIIIIIN!

[_she runs away_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** WHAT? THAT CHICK CAN'T JUST BAIL ON US!

**SATSUKI:** (_she begins glowing_) SHE LITERALLY SCREAMED THAT SHE'D "GET ME LATER", ASSHAT. UNTIL THEN, I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME DONUTS. SATSUKI OUT, PEONS.

[_her glow fades away_]

* * *

[_it cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading **EPISODE 2: CLICHE**_]

* * *

[_RYUKO wakes up with BARAZO leaning over her_]

**RYUKO:** (_punching him in the face_) GET BACK, YOU SCUM!

**MAKO:** Whoa, Ryuko! You don't need to bash my dad's face into his skull like that!

**RYUKO:** I BEG TO DIFF- wait, "dad"? FUCK

[_cuts to BARAZO and MAKO sitting in front of RYUKO_]

**RYUKO:** Sorry about that. Sometimes I get angry.

**BARAZO:** Whoa, Mako's friend, you punch like a tank!

**MAKO:** A tank? Don't insult Ryuko like that! Her punches are like MISSILES.

[_words saying __**BARAZO MANKANSHOKU: (ACCIDENTAL) MURDERER OF MANY**__ flash on screen_]

**MATARO:** Really? Wow, I am SO glad that I gave her back that lemon that I stole from her. ...You're not still mad about that, right?

[_words reading __**MATARO MANKANSHOKU: STREET JERK**__ flash on screen_]

**RYUKO:** (_punching him_) You'd better sleep with one eye open, punk.

**MATARO:** I only stole that one lemon!

**SUKUYO:** (_entering_) What was that about a lemon?

[_words reading __**SUKUYO MANKANSHOKU: CAN MAKE ANYTHING TASTE GOOD. ANYTHING**__ flash on screen_]

[_it cuts to RYUKO sitting at a table with the MANKANSHOKUS_]

**MAKO:** So yeah! My dad's a doctor, so when we saw you on the ground all passed out and stuff, we had to bring you home and patch you up. You should have SEEN all the blood that came out of you!

**RYUKO:** Well, that explains the twisted depths that your mind goes to.

**BARAZO:** Well, at least you're alive, which is more than you can say for most of my patients! You should've seen the last guy!

**SUKUYO:** Here's dinner! Eat up! I even found some identifiable stuff today!

**MAKO:** Don't be scared, Ryuko! It may look weird, but we've only once had a person who got food poisoning!

[_GUTS bursts in_]

**MAKO:** It was the dog, Guts! DOWN, boy!

[_words reading __**GUTS**__ flash on screen_]

**MATARO:** He's "Guts" because he's the one member of this family who can't stand the sight of them!

**RYUKO:** Uhhh...

[_it cuts to the sewing labs_]

**SATSUKI:** So, Iori, I want you to make at least 20 tons of uniforms. That shouldn't be too hard for you, correct? Also, did you create something for the tennis club leader so that she can destroy Ryuko- I mean, destroy our enemies and conquer Japan?

**OMIKO:** So that I can what?

**SANAGEYAMA:** She SAID so that you can destroy our enemies and conquer Japan. Duh. What did you THINK she said?

**OMIKO:** I thought I heard something about someone called Ryuko-

**SATSUKI:** (_cutting her off_) Anyways, Iori?

**IORI:** Oh, okay. Anyway, here's the unifor-

**OMIKO:** HOLY SHIT ARE THOSE EYEBALLS

**IORI:** No? Why does everyone think that I would sew body parts onto clothing? They're TENNIS balls. _Obviously_.

**OMIKO:** Oh. Okay. (_she bows to SATSUKI_) Don't worry, Lady Satsuki! I will do my best to help you take over Japan!

**SATSUKI:** Good. Ryuko- I mean, the schools of Japan will never see this coming.

[_it cuts to RYUKO lying in bed next to the MANKANSHOKUS_]

**RYUKO:** Hey, Senketsu? Where did you even come from?

**SENKETSU:** Well you know where I came from, Ryuko. You were the one who found me! Perhaps you require a flashback?

**RYUKO:** That's not what I meant, you deliberately ignorant fu-

**SENKETSU:** PERHAPS YOU REQUIRE A FLASHBACK

[_flashback_]

**SENKETSU:** Thanks for listening to my explanation and deciding to put me on and feed me your blood.

**RYUKO:** Yeah, sure, but what do I get out of this deal? What can you do that prevents me from just taking you off later and never putting you on again?

**SENKETSU:** Well, I can help you murder things?

**RYUKO:** BORING.

**SENKETSU:** I can probably help you disrespect authority?

**RYUKO:** Continue...

**SENKETSU:** I also have a totally punk rock color scheme?

**RYUKO:** NOW YOU'RE TALKING! COME ON, VAMPIRE CLOTHING!

**SENKETSU:** My NAME is SENKETSU!

[RYUKO_ smashes into the ceiling_]

**RYUKO:** Wait, one more thing. Who would even create a thing like you? I mean, you're weird as fuck.

**SENKETSU:** I don't know! All I know is that I'm an amnesiac piece of clothing created by some guy with an eyepatch! And a beard! ...And a lab coat. And a-

**RYUKO:** HOLY SHIT, MY DAD CREATED VAMPIRE CLOTHING TO HELP ME AVENGE HIS DEATH! (_pause_) ...I don't know how, but now I must avenge him. I'm coming for you, KIRYUIN SATSUKI!

[_end flashback_]

[_it cuts to RYUKO and MAKO at school_]

**MAKO:** And then I was like-

[_she is cut off as a tennis ball hits her in the face_]

**RYUKO:** HEY WHAT

**OMIKO:** It is you who should be saying HEY WHAT! ..Oh wait, you did. My mistake. Anyway, I'll do the nice thing and introduce myself.

[_words reading __**OMIKO HAKODATE: TENNIS IS ALL SHE KNOWS**__ flash on screen_]

**OMIKO:** See? There's my name.

**RYUKO:** What is your PROBLEM?

**OMIKO:** Mako didn't come to club practice.

**RYUKO:** SHE ISN'T EVEN IN THE TENNIS CLUB!

**OMIKO:** Of course she is. _Everyone is in the Tennis Club._

**RYUKO:** Wha-

**OMIKO:** Girls, kill 'em.

[_the tennis players begin shooting tennis balls at RYUKO and MAKO_]

**RYUKO:** RUN, MAKO, RUN

**MAKO:** 'Kay! (_nyooms away_) Try not to get battered to death, okay?

**RYUKO:** Alright, you nutsacks, let's go. This won't even take ten seconds! (_pause as she tries to activate SENKETSU_) C'mon, Senketsu, wake up, wake up. Ohhhh, you dick. Uh, tennis lady? Just wait a second, okay?

**OMIKO:** My eye telescope waits for no one!

[_a bunch of tennis balls come flying at RYUKO and knock her away._]

[_cuts to RYUKO waking up in AIKURO's apartment_]

**RYUKO:** Ugh, why is it that I always wake up in weird situations?

**AIKURO:** mumblemumbleHELLO, RYUKO

[_words reading **AIKURO MIKISUGI: OVERDRAMATIC DOUCHECANOE**__ flash on screen_]

**RYUKO:** Goddammit. Alright, get me out of here so that I can- WHOA WHAT THE FUCK

[_it cuts to AIKURO, without his sunglasses or most of his clothes_]

**AIKURO:** Don'tworry... thisismyuniform.

**RYUKO:** Your uniform is being naked?

**AIKURO:** Yes! Pausefordramaticeffect... weknowalotaboutthese... VAMPIRE CLOTHES... or... KAMUI... asyoumightcallthem.

**RYUKO:** Say what now

[_bell rings_]

**AIKURO:** CAN'T EXPLAIN NOW, HERE'S A GLOVE THAT HELPS FEED BLOOD TO THE KAMUI. NOW, OFF WITH YOU!

[_it cuts to OMIKO with SANAGEYAMA. OMIKO has just smashed a tennis ball through a target_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** That was the most WICKED RAD thing that I have EVER seen.

**OMIKO:** ...Sure? I really can't tell if that was a compliment or not.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Of course it was! Don't you know how coolkids speak? And, uh, shouldn't you untie that coconut-head chick?

**OMIKO:** Eh, I'm sure Mako's fine.

**MAKO:** (_while being battered by tennis balls_) I NEVER KNEW THAT BEING BATTERED BY TENNIS BALLS FELT SO PAINFUL

**OMIKO:** See? Fine.

**MAKO:** I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT FINE

**RYUKO:** HEY ASSHOLES! Stop trying to murder Mako! Seriously, do I have to give you another lecture on how this is literally the most unrad and cliche thing to do ever?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Hey, nothing that I plan ever turns out UNRAD! That's not cool, bro! Omiko!

**OMIKO:** So, what was that about defeating me not even taking ten seconds?

**RYUKO:** SHUT UP! LIFE FIBER SYNCHRONIZE!

**OMIKO: **(_while RYUKO is transforming_) Life fiber wha- HOLY GODROBES THAT WAS TERRIFYING

**SANAGEYAMA:** ON SECOND THOUGHT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT HER UP YOU CAN JUST LEAVE

**RYUKO:** Hey! I demand that you stand and fight!

**OMIKO:** FINE, fine! You know what to do, girls!

**RYUKO:** Bring it!

**SANAGEYAMA:** HOLD IT! You know what I just realized this anime needs? A TENNIS MATCH EPISODE.

**RYUKO:** what

**SANAGEYAMA:** Haven't you ever seen Yu-Gi-Oh GX? Every good anime has an episode where kids play tennis with each other!

**OMIKO:** You actually watched Yu-Gi-Oh GX and liked it?

**RYUKO:** Pfff, nerd.

**SANAGEYAMA:** MY POINT being that we can't just go against the cliches like that! The classics are the best!

**RYUKO:** PFFHAHAHAHA- Oh wow, you're actually serious. Okay, fine! I'll go with your ridiculous asshole cliches. And as is cliche for the moment, I say that I can STILL win, even at tennis!

**MAKO:** YOU GO RYUKO! HALLELUJAH!

**SANAGEYAMA:** Huh?

**MAKO:** Don't be sad at all the cliches! Be happy and embrace them! After all, life is too short to just cry over cliches! You can cry over other things, like broken bones and roadkill! But now that you have accepted the cliches, you can definitely win! After all, it _is_ a cliche that the HERO ALWAYS WINS!

**RYUKO:** Oh!

**SANAGEYAMA:** Shit!

[_it cuts to the tennis match_]

**OMIKO:** With my eye telescope and enormous tennis racket, I can't lose!

**SANAGEYAMA:** OMIKO NO THAT'S JUST MAKING THE CLICHE POWER STRONGER

**RYUKO:** DAMN RIGHT! NOW DIE! (_she uses her finishing move on her_)

**OMIKO:** AAAUGH!

**SANAGEYAMA:** How DARE you, you-

**SATSUKI:** Silence.

(_pause_)

**RYUKO:** Did you just come down a giant red carpet stairway?

**SATSUKI:** Yes. Now, Ryuko. Are you ready to fight ME?

**RYUKO:** Yeah, now- Wait, no I'm not! Aren't you going to let me fight other people to prove my skills first?

**SATSUKI:** Unfortunately for you, I don't play by your cliches.

**RYUKO:** Oooohhh shit. SMOKE BOMB!

[_RYUKO disappears in a puff of smoke_]

**SATSUKI:** Well okay then. Sanageyama, we're ordering pizza tonight and you don't get any.

**SANAGEYAMA:** What? Why?

**SATSUKI:** Your club leaders fucking suck is why.


	3. Monologue: the Interruption

**SATSUKI:** It was a long time ago, when everything was strangely brown and blurry. My father, who lacked eyes at the time, told me that that Kamui would be my wedding dress. At the time, I had no idea what that meant, but I wanted to wear it anyways. Now that I'm older, I still have no idea what that means. Probably something about destiny or something, I don't know. However, the time has finally come for me to-

* * *

[_she is interrupted by the title screen of the episode, reading __**EPISODE 3: MONOLOGUE: THE INTERRUPTION**_]

**SATSUKI:** (_in the background_) Do not interrupt me while I am monologuing ever again.

* * *

[_it cuts to RYUKO following AIKURO around the school. AIKURO disappears around a corner_]

**RYUKO:** God DAMMIT! That's the fifth time today! That ASSHOLE needs to answer my GOD DAMN QUESTIONS!

**MAKO:** HEY, RYUKO!

[_RYUKO grabs her and spins her around_]

**MAKO:** (_while RYUKO is spinning her_) WHEE! (_RYUKO puts her down_) Gee, I never knew being a fan blade was so fun!

[_RYUKO catches a glimpse of a message on MAKO's back, reading "Come find me in my... secrethidingplace...! - Aikuro Mikisugi"_]

**RYUKO:** God, what an overdramatic dickbag. I guess I'll just go to the place where he took me after I went unconscious.

[_it cuts to RYUKO sitting in AIKURO's house_]

**RYUKO:** Alright, you piece of fuck shit asshole douche head. Explain.

**AIKURO:** mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble-

**RYUKO:** OH NO YOU DON'T! (_she pulls out her scissor blade and points it at AIKURO's face_) YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH JUST MUMBLING THE ENTIRE THING.

**AIKURO:** Alright, geez. (_he pulls his glasses off the top of his head_) Senketsu is made of these things called... ellipsis... Life Fibers.

[_words reading __**LIFE FIBERS: POSSIBLY MAGICAL, POSSIBLY ALIEN. FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL Z **__appear on screen_]

**AIKURO:** Life fibers... are what the... GOKU UNIFORMS... are partially made from. One-stars have... 10%, two-stars have... 20% and you can figure out the rest for yourself. They are... THE SOURCE OF THE UNIFORM'S POWER, RYUKO exclamationpoint. And so... the KAMUI are made ENTIRELY OUT OF LIFE FIBERS! Thatiswhytheyaresopowerful.

**RYUKO:** Well that explains a lot. Is that why Senketsu is so weird, too?

**AIKURO:** HUSHRYUKOINEEDTOEXPOSITMORE. Anyways. Only the Kiryuins and your dad know about these things. And me, of course. And like the entirety of Nudist Beach. And probably the Elite Four and that sewing guy.

**RYUKO:** Nudist what now

**AIKURO:** ASIWASSAYING... This means that the Kiryuins probably tried to kill your dad specifically for this uniform.

**RYUKO:** Gee, thanks for nothing, Senketsu.

**SENKETSU:** Hey, I'm helping you _avenge _your dad here.

**AIKURO:** Anyways, I got a... LETTER FROM YOUR DAD! It said to give Senketsu to you, because resting the fate of the world on the shoulders of like a 17 year old girl is a good thing to do.

**RYUKO:** Man, that's some sound logic. So you were the one who dropped me into the basement?

**AIKURO:** Yes. I hope you don't think that was too-

**RYUKO:** What are you apologizing for, man? THAT WAS HARDCORE AS FUCK. And y'know, this confirms my suspicions. Now I know for certain that Satsuki Kiryuin killed my dad!

**AIKURO:** You can't just assume that, y'kno-

**RYUKO:** I'M COMING FOR YOU, SATSUKI KIRYUIN!

[_RYUKO runs away_]

**AIKURO:** ... Dammit, I didn't even get to tell her how I was going undercover as a teacher and stuff. Ah, well.

[_it cuts to the SEWING LABS_]

**INUMUTA:** Alright. You ready, Iori?

**IORI:** Never readier.

**INUMUTA:** Okay. One, two, three...

**INUMUTA & IORI:** DOUBLE GLASSES SHOVE

**IORI:** Okay, now that the mandatory glasses shove is over, it's time to test this Five-Star uniform. Don't worry, only six people have died during this before. That's our lowest death record this year. You'll be fine.

**RANDOM SEWING CLUB MEMBER:** HOLD ON TIGHT, ITS ABOUT TO-

[_the FIVE STAR TESTING STUDENT bursts out, throwing the SEWING CLUB against the walls_]

**IORI:** Take him down! Preferably without killing him!

[_GUN WIELDERS begin to fire_]

**IORI:** I SAID WITHOUT KILLING HIM

**RANDOM GUN WIELDER:** THESE ARE TRANQUILIZER DARTS! PROBABLY!

**INUMUTA:** (_sighs_) It looks like I have to step in. Again.

[_he takes down the FIVE STAR TESTING STUDENT with just two fingers_]

**IORI:** Phew, thanks. I was worried that he would be our seventh death.

**INUMUTA:** You really need to get more competent firing staff. These ones seem not to have learned the difference between tranquilizer darts and bullets.

**IORI:** Well, at least you were here to help. I don't know what I'd do without you. Uniforms with a Life Fiber percentage higher than 50% usually make people lose control.

**INUMUTA:** Indeed. So, do you want to-

**SATSUKI:** Are you two done with your ship tease yet? I kind of need to advance the plot here.

[_cuts to Kiryuin Manor's interior_]

**RANDOM SERVANT:** Lady Satsuki, please be careful! You might die if you put _that thing_ on!

**SATSUKI:** Die? Please. I'm Satsuki Kiryuin. Now stand aside.

**RANDOM SERVANT:** SATSUKI, NO!

**SATSUKI:** (_taking them down with her sword_) Satsuki, yes.

[_SATSUKI enters the laboratory and opens the case with JUNKETSU in it_]

**SATSUKI:** It's finally time... for me to wear Junkets-

**KUROIDO:** SATSUKI!

**SATSUKI:** Again with the monologue interrupting.

**KUROIDO:** Satsuki, remember what your mom said about wearing Junketsu!

**SATUSKI:** Fuck what my mom said. I'm Satsuki Kiryuin. I do what I want.

[_lights shine down upon SATSUKI_]

**SATSUKI:** And by the will of my holy Kiryuin aura, you will LEAVE ME!

[_SATSUKI takes JUNKETSU out from its casing_]

**SATSUKI:** (_dripping blood onto JUNKETSU_) AWAKEN, I COMMAND THEE- AUGH!

[_JUNKETSU throws itself onto SATSUKI_]

**SATSUKI:** YOU WILL DO MY BIDDING, DEMON! I WILL SHOW RYUKO MATOI THAT SATSUKI KIRYUIN WILL NOT BE UPSTAGED! AHHHHHHH!

[_blue light shoots up towards the sky as SATSUKI screams_]

[_cuts to the next day_]

**SATSUKI:** RYUKO MATOI!

**RYUKO:** SATSUKI KIRYUIN! (_pause_) Alright, what's going on? You haven't yelled my name like that before.

**SATSUKI:** (_clicks heel_) Ryuko. I have come to-

**RYUKO:** AND THAT! What was that? You only do your heel clicks before important moments. Mako said so.

**MAKO:** Sure did! I mean, last time she did that, she-

**SATSUKI:** Would you stop interrupting and listen? I have finally done the one thing that you would never expect out of me.

**RYUKO:** What, you've decided to step down from your position and install a system of democracy?

[_SATSUKI transforms JUNKETSU_]

**RYUKO:** Oh. Shit. I knew I should've finished her yesterday.

**SATSUKI:** Now, let's finish this quickly! I have some tea that's getting cold.

[_RYUKO transforms SENKETSU and starts walking towards SATSUKI. The ground explodes upwards_]

**INUMUTA:** The ground exploded from the sheer anime-ness of this scene!

**RYUKO:** You really think you can beat-

[_SATSUKI swings her sword. RYUKO (and most of the ground) flies back._]

**RYUKO:** Okay, I guess you really do think that you can beat me.

[_RYUKO locks swords with SATSUKI. The ground explodes once more_]

**SATSUKI:** Impressive. Junketsu's almost as powerful as me.

[_SATSUKI drives her sword into the ground, sending up yet another ripple of earth, plus RYUKO. She taps RYUKO with her sword and sends her flying._]

**SATSUKI:** Okay, this ground-exploding thing is getting a little ridiculous. Do Kamui have earth-manipulating powers or what?

**RYUKO:** I know, righ- ARRRGH!

[_SATSUKI battles RYUKO at a very fast pace_]

**SATSUKI:** Who's the hardcore one now, RYUKO MATOOOOIIIII?

[_the fighting stops. RYUKO is alone in the rubble_]

**RYUKO:** Fuck. Half this entire school is destroyed now. How are people going to get to class? YOU EVER THINK OF THAT, SATSUKI?

**SATSUKI:** You have more problems that just that, Ryuko. Now, prepare to-

**RYUKO:** (_to SENKETSU_) Tell me how to defeat her, Senketsu!

**SENKETSU:** Oh, it's easy. You just need to wear me and accept my power.

**RYUKO:** OH YEAH, THAT'S EASY!

**SENKETSU:** Yes, I'm glad you-

**RYUKO:** I'M BEING SARCASTIC! I'm already accepting your power! I-

**SATSUKI:** (_sending her flying_) You have interrupted my monologues for the last time!

**RYUKO:** (_landing on the ground_) Ow. (_she transforms back_)

**SATSUKI:** (_pulling RYUKO up_) Now, you will listen to me without interr-

**RYUKO:** PUT ME DOWN!

**SATSUKI:** (_throwing RYUKO down_) What did I just say? Now, Ryuko, you are a fool to not know how to increase your Kamui's power! It should be obvious just by looking at me! (_she swings her sword up above RYUKO_)

**MAKO:** HALLELUJAH! Ryuko, look at her! More importantly, look at the size of her SHOULDER PADS! Yours don't even go up above your head! I'm sure that if you increase the size of your shoulder pads, they'd be even larger than Satsuki's! You'd even get more powerful than her and you'd win!

**RYUKO:** Shoulder pads? Oh, you're right!

**SATSUKI:** How could _you _know the source of a Kamui's power? (_leaning over RYUKO_) It's fine! IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'LL EVER GET THE CHANCE TO USE THIS INFORMATION ANYWAYS!

[_SATSUKI swings her sword and RYUKO blocks it_]

**RYUKO:** You wanna bet?

[_RYUKO transforms SENKETSU into his full-powered form_]

**RYUKO:** (_coming at SATSUKI_) DON'T LOSE YOUR WAY, MOTHERFUCKER! Senketsu, that was the secret, wasn't it?

**SENKETSU:** ...Part of it, yes. The other part was becoming one with me. But the shoulder pads thing worked too.

**RYUKO:** Now it's time for the RYUKONADO! (_she spins around, making a tornado. She then swings at SATSUKI_) SCISSOR BLADE: DECAPITATION MODE!

[_SATSUKI dodges. The ground isn't so lucky and blows up yet again. SATSUKI then clicks her heel on the ground and comes back up_]

**SATSUKI:** This is finally becoming a real fight. (_it zooms out to reveal their battle auras_) Our battle auras have finally charged up.

(_SATSUKI and RYUKO run at each other and fight_)

**RYUKO:** YOU WILL ADMIT THAT YOU KILLED MY DAD!

**SATSUKI:** I KEEP TELLING YOU, I DIDN'T!

**RYUKO:** YEAH, RIGHT!

(_she drives SATSUKI back and a wall blows up from the sheer anime-ness_)

**SATSUKI:** I WILL NOT ADMIT TO SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO!

(_she kicks RYUKO back and a wall blows up again from the sheer anime-ness_)

**RYUKO:** WELL, THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM THEN!

**SATSUKI:** STOP BEING SO STUBBORN!

[_they lock swords once again. The ground blows up once more, with feeling. Random people go flying back. RYUKO and SATSUKI are standing with their swords locked_]

**RYUKO:** (_falls down_) ...I will beat you, Satsuki. No matter what.

**SATSUKI:** No matter what, you say? (_clicks heel_) Fine then. Fight all my Club Leaders and the Elite Four. Then, you may challenge me, the Champion.

**RYUKO:** I thought you said that you didn't play by cliches last episode!

**SATSUKI: **I changed my mind. Now, Ryuko. Be the very best, like no one ever was.

**RYUKO:** You can't beat me with just your Pokemon references!

**SATSUKI:** I think you'll find that I can.


	4. Filler

[_the next morning_]

**MAKO:** Oh nooo! We can't be late or Satsuki will have our heads! And probably most of our major organs!

[_she drags RYUKO down the stairs_]

**RYUKO:** No, wait! I don't even have Senketsu yet! I can't go to school without looking HARDCORE!

**MAKO:** We can't worry about that now! Today is the day that we need to get to school on time and survive!

**RYUKO:** Survive? AUGH!

[_they fall into a crowd of students_]

[_it cuts to them riding RYUKO's guitar case over a wave of students_]

**RYUKO:** Wait! Doesn't something feel a little weird about this episode?

[_GAMAGOORI bursts through a wall, laughing_]

**GAMAGOORI:** Allow me to explain! Every semester, the Disciplinary Committee sets up a HUGE OBSTACLE COURSE for students to get through without being late for school!

**RYUKO:** For what purpose?

**GAMAGOORI:** I DON'T KNOW!

[_the obstacle course pops out_]

**GAMAGOORI:** NOW, START!

[_everybody starts running up the stairs in a very badly animated way_]

**RYUKO:** Oh shit! I just realized what's off with this episode!

**MAKO:** What is it, Ryuko?

**RYUKO:** We've... we've... LOST THE ANIMATION QUALITY!

**MAKO:** Oh no! That means that this is a... FILLER EPISODE!

* * *

[_it cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading __**EPISODE FOUR: FILLER**_]

* * *

[_it cuts to RYUKO and MAKO at the first checkpoint_]

**MAKO:** Ryuko, look! There are 999 more traps left! We barely even made it here!

**RYUKO:** And it wasn't even on screen. Anyways, come on, Mak- (_MAIKO bumps into her_)

**MAIKO:** Ow! If only someone could help me up the obstacle course!

**MAKO:** It's Maiko Ogure! Ryuko, help!

**RYUKO:** I said "Come on, Mako", not "Come on, Maiko." You okay, though?

**MAIKO: **I'm fine, even though I totally broke my arm and will not be able to use it ever again. Probably.

**RYUKO:** Do you want to come, though?

**MAIKO:** No, I'll only slow you down!

**RYUKO:** Oh, yeah. Good point. Come on, Mak-

**MAIKO:** What? No! Take me with you! I was just being dramatic!

**RYUKO:** Pfff, fine. Come on, Mako and Maiko!

[_it cuts to BARAZO, MATARO, and GUTS driving to deliver SENKETSU_]

**BARAZO:** UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE RUN OVER, GET OUT OF THE GOD DAMN WAY!

**MATARO:** Look! It's Ryuko! RYUUUKOO-

[_they crash and BARAZO goes flying into a wall_]

**BARAZO:** Ow. I guess I should have gotten out of the wall's god damn way.

**MATARO:** Don't worry, Dad! I'll deliver the uniform! You just stay here and not die!

[_it cuts to RYUKO, MAKO, and MAIKO running the obstacle course. A giant ball comes towards them, runs them into a wall, and explodes_]

**RYUKO:** I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER DESIGNED THESE TRAAAAPS!

[_it cuts to them walking back up_]

**MAKO:** Oooh! Look at that CHEESE!

**RYUKO:** MAKO, NO! IT'S OBVIOUSLY A TRAP! (_she shoves MAKO out from under the trap and sees a pie_) Oh, god, not this old pran- (_the pie falls on her face. She stands up and it falls off._)

**MAKO:** It's not an acid pie, is it?

**RYUKO:** I hate filler episodes.

[_it cuts to MAIKO trying to jump across some stone pillars and RYUKO trying to catch her, but falling into the water instead_]

**RYUKO:** (_struggling with crocodiles_) I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE LIMITED ANIMATION!

[_it cuts to MATARO and GUTS trying to get to RYUKO on a bike_]

**MATARO:** UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE RUN OVER, GET OUT OF THE GOD DAMN WAY! RYUUUKO!

[_they crash and MATARO goes flying into a wall_]

**MATARO:** Ow. I guess I should have gotten out of the wall's god damn way. Guts! Deliver the uniform for me! I'll just stay here and not die!

[_GUTS runs off with SENKETSU_]

[_it cuts to RYUKO, MAKO, and MAIKO sitting together on a checkpoint_]

**RYUKO:** Well, balls. How're we going to get through the next district?

[_a One-Star school bust comes along and drives casually through a minefield_]

**RYUKO:** Oh, look, an armored One-Star bus. That's extremely convenient.

[_it cuts to MAIKO falling down in front of the bus_]

**RANDOM ONE-STAR STUDENT:** (_coming out of the bus_) HEY! MOVE IT, YOU-

[_he is cut off by RYUKO slamming her guitar case into his face. It then cuts to a bunch of One-Stars flying out the windows, screaming. MAIKO grabs the wheel_]

**RYUKO:** Wait, you do know how to drive, right?

**MAIKO:** Not at all! HOLD ON TIGHT!

**RYUKO:** Sweet, needless endangerment of our lives!

[_they drive off through the minefield. A bunch of people start shooting at them._]

**RYUKO:** OKAY, NEEDLESS ENDANGERMENT OF OUR LIVES ISN'T NEARLY AS FUN AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!

**MAIKO:** HOLD ON, ALL ONE-STAR BUSES HAVE A MACHINE GUN TURRET BUTTON!

[_she pushes the button and MAKO rises up on the turret and begins shooting_]

**MAKO:** This power... it's INCREDIBLE! DIE, FUCKERS, DIE! YOU WILL FEEL THE MACHINE GUN SKILLS OF MAKO MANKANSHOKU!

[_the turret retracts and the roof flies off. Two missiles begin heading their way._]

**RYUKO:** OKAY, SERIOUSLY! HOW ARMED ARE THESE CITIZENS? STEP ON IT, MAIKO!

[_they step on the gas pedal and the missiles explode. They go flying away from the explosions_]

**RYUKO:** ACTION HERO MANEUVER! FLY AWAY FROM THE STRANGELY BLUE AND GREEN EXPLOSIONS!

[_they somehow fly through the gates of Honnouji_]

**RYUKO:** How's that for hardcore? Heh, I'm so glad that we're here that I don't even hate the shitty animation anymore! It even sort of helped us get here!

[_GUTS runs in with SENKETSU_]

**RYUKO:** And Senketsu's even here now! Everything worked out okay!

[_MAIKO kicks GUTS in the face and takes SENKETSU_]

**MAIKO:** It worked out okay indeed! Now, I can have Senketsu and I can reign supreme!

**MAKO: **What are you talking about? Maiko!

**MAIKO:** I was really the HEAD OF TRAP DESIGN ALL ALONG!

**RYUKO:** Oh, god. It couldn't just be a normal filler, could it? It HAD to have a shitty plot twist like this one!

**MAIKO:** Now, to put him on. (_she slides her old clothes off and puts SENKETSU on with the power of shitty animation_)

**RYUKO:** CURSE YOU, SHITTY ANIMATION! Oh well, it's not like you could transform him any-

**MAIKO:** (_transforming_) I think you'll find that I could!

**RYUKO:** WHAT

**MAIKO:** Now, it's time to destroy you once and for- (_she just sort of rocks back and forth_) Huh? CURSE YOU, SENKETSU!

**RYUKO:** Now, to destroy YOU once and for all! (_she punches out MAIKO and takes SENKETSU, who spits out the blood_)

**SENKETSU:** Gross.

**RYUKO:** Thanks for not letting her move, Senketsu.

**SENKETSU:** That, Ryuko, was not me, but the power of shitty animation.

**MAKO:** OH NO! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE! RUN, RYUKO!

[_they run towards the school, only to find out that it's actually a cardboard cutout and they are actually on a wheeled platform_]

**RYUKO:** Okay, how did that even fool us?

**MAIKO:** (_as the platform goes sliding back to the beginning_) Now, you will go all the way back to the beginning and-

**RYUKO:** I'm gonna kill you!

**MAIKO:** Not if I don't do it myself! (_she jumps off the edge and deploys a parachute_) Just kidding.

**RYUKO:** That little- Oh, well. Senketsu!

[_she puts him on and transforms. The fake school platform finally reaches the beginning_]

**RYUKO:** Oh, come on! We'll never get back in-

**MAKO:** Oh look! A convenient transportation thing back to school!

**RYUKO:** Well, at least the power of the time limit is watching over us.

[_it cuts to MAIKO hiding_]

**MAIKO:** Well, at least I won't get in trouble for my actio-

**GAMAGOORI:** MAIKO! YOU ARE EXPELLED, YOU TRAITOROUS LITTLE **BITTER BISCUIT BITER BATTER**!

[_it cuts to the classroom, with AIKURO calling roll_]

**AIKURO:** mumblemumblemumbleRYUKO?

[_the transportation thing crashes through the wall. RYUKO and MAKO take their seats_]

**RYUKO:** ...You have no idea what I've been through today.


	5. Useful Information

[_TSUMUGU is looking through a telescope at RYUKO. Words reading __**TSUMUGU KINAGASE: MARRIED TO AIKURO**__ appear and then disappear again. He gets up._]

**GARDENING CLUB LEADER:** HEY! What do you think you're doing, you motherfucker?

[_TSUMUGU says nothing, lights a cigarette, and flicks it into the garden_]

**GARDENING CLUB LEADER:** First you run over the plants, and now you flick your cig into them? DO YOU CARE NOTHING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT?

**TSUMUGU:** (_leveling a gun at GARDENING CLUB LEADER'S head_) Lemme tell you two useful pieces of information. One, I care very much about the environment, in fact! Two, I just care about smoking more. Three, I do what I want.

**GARDENING CLUB LEADER:** But that was three-

**TSUMUGU:** FOUR: YES, BUT THERE WERE ONLY TWO _USEFUL_ PIECES OF INFORMATION!

[_it cuts to RYUKO sleeping in class. She wakes up abruptly to the sound of a scream and looks out the window_]

**RYUKO:** Wait, did that guy just kill someone?

* * *

[_it cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading __**EPISODE 5: AIKURO AND TSUMUGU IN: "USEFUL" INFORMATION**_]

* * *

**RYUKO:** (_bursting into the biology club's lab_) What the FUCK did I tell you about taking hostages? And do you guys think you look cool in your anatomical model costumes? You don't!

**BIOLOGY CLUB LEADER:** You fool! We're not just taking her hostage; we're going to dissect her, too!

**RYUKO:** (_turning her scissor blade into Decapitation Mode_) Your "evil scientist" trope won't work either! Now, feel the wrath of my resizable SCISSOR BLADE!

[_she destroys the biology club and transforms back_]

**MAKO:** (_as RYUKO turns her scissor blade small_) Wow! It was cool how you rescued me, Ryuko!

**RYUKO:** Yep, the resizable scissor blade! Find it in stores now!

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, please refrain from talking like an advertisement ever again.

**RYUKO:** Hey, fuck you, man! I can talk however I want!

**MAKO:** I didn't say anything, though. Oh! You're talking to your clothes! That must be fun! Now, time for foo-

[_MAKO gets hit by tons of needles_]

**RYUKO:** MAKO NO

**TSUMUGU:** MAKO YES. Don't worry, friend! She's perfectly fine. She's going to be really happy and energetic when she wakes up!

**RYUKO:** Thanks? But that's already how she acts all the time.

**TSUMUGU:** Now, time to kill your clothes!

[_RYUKO runs away as TSUMUGU starts firing needles at her, only to have her foot paralyzed by a needle_]

**TSUMUGU:** (_shoving RYUKO down and pointing a gun at RYUKO's head_) Now, just let me kill your clothing and you can go on your way and be happier than you could ever be with it!

**RYUKO:** Okay, listen. Senketsu is my friend, dickass, and I'm sure as HELL not going to let YOU kill him like you killed that guy this morni-

**TSUMUGU:** Lemme tell you two _useful_ pieces of information. One, I didn't kill that guy this morning! Probably! Two, I only poked a lot of needles into him using this nice gun here. Three: Humans can't be friends with clothing! That's just silly. Four: It's not very nice to swear. Five-

**RYUKO:** That was like, five pieces of information! LIFE FIBER-

**TSUMUGU:** FIVE: DON'T EVEN TRY TRANSFORMING IN FRONT OF ME! I don't want to kill you, because you seem like a nice person, but I will if I have to! Let me kill your clothes!

[_he tries pulling the trigger of his gun, but a pin drives itself into his hand and his hand freezes. He looks at it and walks away_]

[_it cuts to AIKURO sitting at a bar. The pin drops into his drink_]

**AIKURO:** Tsumugu! I... seeyougotmymessage!

**TSUMUGU:** Shooting that pin into my hand wasn't very nice, you know.

**AIKURO:** I had to... ifIwantedyouto... stop trying to KILL Ryuko's CLOTHES.

**TSUMUGU:** It still wasn't a nice thing to do.

**AIKURO:** Ryuko is... CRUCIAL! toourplans. You CAN'T-

**TSUMUGU:** You know you don't have to talk like that with around, right?

**AIKURO:** (_sighing_) Alright, alright. Jeez. I just wanted to remind you that Nudist Beach needs to use a Kamui to defeat the Kiryuins. We can't do that if you destroy Ryuko's clothes.

**TSUMUGU:** I'm sure that Ryuko is a nice kid! It's just... y'know...

**AIKURO:** Yes, yes. The risks of the uniform absorbing her. I know what happened to your sister, but you need to learn to let things go!

**TSUMUGU:** No! I need to get rid of that uniform once and for all! Goodbye, Aikuro. See you tonight.

[_it cuts to the ELITE FOUR'S meeting room_]

**INUMUTA:** So you see, it seems like he's the same guy wants to get rid of uniforms once and for all.

**GAMAGOORI:** Oh, not this **ANT APPLE AGGRAVATOR **again.

**INUMUTA:** Also, he- (_his collar slides shut_) (_muffled_) Oh, not this again. ANYWAYS. He has a bunch of needles that can stop Life Fibers.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Man, nerdbro. Tell us something that we don't know already!

**INUMUTA:** Well, he seems to be going after Ryuko.

**SATSUKI:** It seems like everybody is going after her nowadays.

**NONON:** Well, nobody's gonna get to punk-rock before we do!

**INUMUTA:** Punk-rock?

**NONON:** Well, it's my nickname for her! Y'know, like you're "techno", Gamagoori is "heavy metal", and WHY THE FUCK IS THE SKULL ON MY HAT MOVING. So, do I have your permission, Satsuki?

**SATSUKI:** Alright. Now, order us some Chinese, Inumuta.

[_it cuts to RYUKO waiting for TSUMUGU in the schoolyard_]

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, are you worried?

**RYUKO:** Shut up.

**SENKETSU:** I mean, there's no other reason that you'd be holding your scissor out in front of you like Satsuki does.

**RYUKO:** What? No, I'm not! I just, y'know, felt like holding it like this today!

[_a bunch of missiles fly at RYUKO and explode._]

**RYUKO:** SHIT! LIFE FIBER SYNCHRONIZE!

[_she transforms and comes at TSUMUGU as he is shooting a rain of needles at her. TSUMUGU presses a button and shoots missiles at her. He reloads his gun and shoots needles at her. She falls over_]

**RYUKO:** Shit! The only thing that could make this worse is if more club leaders came after me (_a bunch of stuff comes flying at her_) DAMMIT

[_the gardening club, poetry club, and rakugo club come at her_]

[_cuts to NONON standing near a window, looking out at RYUKO's fight_]

**NONON:** Four opponents at once. Punk-rock had better prepare for trouble.

**INUMUTA:** And make it double. However, why did you send the- (_his collar slides shut_) (_muffled_) Fuuuuck. (_sighs_) Anyways, why didn't you fight her yourself?

**NONON:** I'm observing. Also, do you know how embarrassing it'd be to be defeated by her this early in the anime? You know it's going to happen. Whichever overconfident, slang-talking loser ends up fighting her and losing has also lost most of my respect for him. I mean them.

**INUMUTA:** (_his collar slides open_) Not that you had much respect for him in the first place, hm?

**NONON:** Exactly. Now, this feels like the time to play completely unfitting music.

[_cuts to RYUKO chasing after TSUMUGU while completely unfitting music played by NONON's band plays in the background_]

**RYUKO:** Come on! Where could he have- (_she is cut off as a bunch of things explode and she gets needled_)

**RYUKO:** OH COME ON! That was only a tiny perspective change! How could he have set this stuff up in that short of a time?

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, you might not want to hear this-

**RYUKO:** WHAT?

**SENKETSU:** But he also pinned those people to the ceiling in that short of a time.

**RYUKO:** Talk about unrealistic speed! He doesn't even use a Kamui!

[_RYUKO gets blown up as the unfitting music continues playing. She changes back as the music stops_]

**RYUKO:** What? Senketsu-

[_TSUMUGU bursts in through a window and kicks her into a bathroom_]

**TSUMUGU:** Lemme tell you two useful pieces of information. One, my speed is not unrealistic. Two, I'm surprised that you could take that many rounds! Good for you! Three, my sister died because of those Life Fibers. Four, you're also going to die because of Life Fibers! I don't want you to die. You seem like a nice girl.

**RYUKO:** Stop pointing a gun at my head, then!

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, run! (_SENKETSU flies off of RYUKO and TSUMUGU pins him to the ground_)

**TSUMUGU:** See, it's evil! It just tried to- (_MAKO hits him in the back with a broom_)

**MAKO:** What do you think you're doing to MY RYUKO? Stop trying to poke her eye out witAUGH! (_TSUMUGU steps out of the way and she falls over_)

**MAKO:** HALLELUJAH! Give Ryuko's clothes back, you jerk! Don't you know that these clothes are the one thing that can let Ryuko take down society? It's also her only other friend!

**TSUMUGU:** I was agreeing with up until the "friend" part. It'll kill her some day.

**MAKO:** Screw what you think! Senketsu would never kill Ryuko! (_she tears SENKETSU off of the floor with her sheer strength_) (_handing him back to RYUKO_) Here you go, Ryuko! Bye now! (_MAKO leaves_)

**TSUMUGU:** ...Okay then. Now, let me kill your-

[_SENKETSU rises up __and pulls TSUMUGU's face towards his_]

**SENKETSU:** Kill me or Ryuko and I'll kill you. Somehow. You could say that it's... Kill La Kill.

[_SENKETSU suddenly goes back into RYUKO's arms with no indication that he ever left_]

**TSUMUGU:** What was that? A dream? A vision? Did it happen in real life? What?

[_NONON enters with her band_]

**NONON:** I don't know either, man. Now, back to the plot. Give me Ryuko and nobody gets hurt.

**TSUMUGU:** I'll never hand over the Kamui to you!

**NONON:** I didn't SAY hand over the Kamui. I SAID to hand over Ryuko. And yourself.

**TSUMUGU:** No! (_he smoke bombs away_) (_he also sets a normal bomb and explodes it_)

[_it cuts to the ELITE FOUR's meeting room_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Man, did she really let that dude bail?

**SATSUKI:** We gathered data from it, didn't we, Inumuta?

**INUMUTA:** Well, yeah. Not everything has to be about fighting and winning, you know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a game of Tetris to win.

**SATSUKI:** Excellent. But before you do that, order us some fried chicken.

[_it cuts to RYUKO waking up_]

**RYUKO:** Again with the waking up in weird places! I can't believe we lost! Argh!

**SENKETSU:** Well, at least we became better friends through it.

**RYUKO:** What are you talking about? We still lost!


	6. Totally Radical

**RYUKO:** (_holding her scissor blade to AIKURO's face_) Alright, spill.

**AIKURO:** mumblemumblemumble-!

**RYUKO:** I know you and the weird mohawk guy are working together! (_she shows a picture to AIKURO_) See, there you two are.

**AIKURO:** mumblemumbleMEANINGLESS CONNECTIONmumblemumblemumble!

**RYUKO:** Also, he brought me to your place after beating me up the other day, so that's sort of a dead giveaway. So WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!

**AIKURO:** (_after taking off his sunglasses_) Nonsense, Ryuko... wejustwantedto... INCREASE thebondbetweenyouandyourKamui. He is... TSUMUGU KINAGASE! A... VALUABLE... memberofourorganization! Also... my husband!

**RYUKO:** Increase our bond, my ass! Who the fuck are you guys?

**AIKURO:** Nnnnudist... Beach.

**RYUKO:** What the-? Alright, I'm out of here. (_she leaves_)

**AIKURO:** ...Ping pong circulate, motherfucker.

* * *

[_it cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading __**EPISODE 6: TOTALLY RADICAL**_]

* * *

[_it cuts to the sewing labs_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Bro, these are the most life fibers that I've ever seen! Like, dude!

**IORI:** Well, Satsuki does want me to make more Goku Uniforms.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Yeah, but she totes shot down everyone who suggested this, bro.

**INUMUTA:** Well, if you pay attention to things other than your ego, you should know that Ryuko has been taking out an absurd amount of club leaders, not to mention that guy showing up the other day.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Hey, I pay attention! Most of the leaders were MY leaders, bro!

**IORI:** Also, Satsuki has- (_he pauses as he notices SANAGEYAMA trying to hide laughter_) Excuse me, but what exactly are you laughing at?

**SANAGEYAMA:** I would say that I can't take you seriously because of how tiny you are, but I'm sorta scared that you might do creepy evil scientist stuff to me. (_pause_) Wait, shit.

**INUMUTA:** Oh my god, Sanageyama. How many times do we have to tell you that he's not, as you so eloquently put it, a "creepy evil scientist"?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Just look at him, bro! He has a sweet lab coat and a weird gas mask thingy and everything! Who even knows what he gets up to alone in that freaky lab at night? Also, there was the incident-

**IORI:** That was ONE time! Just one!

**INUMUTA:** Yeah, you seriously need to- (_his collar snaps shut_) (_muffled_) NO! (_his collar snaps open again_) God, why does that ALWAYS happen?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Fine, jeez. I'll lay off. For now. Anyways, about Ryuko. I think that it's time for me to deal with her. Radical-style.

**INUMUTA:** Did you seriously just say "radical-style"? You know that the Elite Four need to stay on the sidelines and watch.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Dude, I can change Satsuki's mind no prob! YOU can stay and watch while I kick Ryuko's ass big-time!

[_cuts to SATSUKI sitting in a chair with SANAGEYAMA behind her_]

**SATSUKI:** You want to do what? No!

**SANAGEYAMA:** Oh, come on, bro! It'll be RAD!

**SATSUKI:** You know that she's probably gonna beat you, right? It's going to be embarrassing for EVERYONE.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Nobody beats me! Except for, like, that one time in middle school when everything was strangely brown and-

**SATSUKI:** I already used that joke, asshole.

[_flashback_]

**INUMUTA:** There is no way that she's going to beat that guy.

**NONON:** Bet you twenty bucks she can.

**INUMUTA:** Make it fifty, and you're on.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Me and my gang will kick your ass no problem!

**SATSUKI:** It's "my gang and I".

**RANDOM GANG MEMBER:** YOU DARE INSULT HIS GRAMMAR? GET 'ER, GUYS!

**SATSUKI:** KIRYUIN SPECIAL EYE OPENING FORCE TECHNIQUE!

[_the gang members are blasted back by SATSUKI's sheer willpower_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** That technique won't work on me!

[_SATSUKI casually hits him in the stomach with her sword's sheath. He falls to the ground_]

**INUMUTA:** (_in the background_) You just lost me fifty bucks, asshole!

**SATSUKI:** Now, join me. You may or may not end up being useful. Somehow.

[_end flashback_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Well, here's your chance to find out how useful I can be!

**SATSUKI:** If I remember correctly, you LOST that battle against me.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Well, with these eyes, I can't possibly lose against Ryuko!

**SATSUKI:** You know you've basically just sealed your fate with that comment, right?

[_she smashes her teacup and comes at him. He blocks it._]

**SATSUKI: **Has episode 2 taught you nothing about cliches?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Well, now I'm strong enough to beat your middle school self! That means that I'll totally win against that chick!

**SATSUKI:** Did you just refer to beating a MIDDLE-SCHOOLER as an accomplishment?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Hey, middle school you was, like, totally superior to Ryuko, bro!

**SATSUKI:** Eh, I'm not one to reject flattery. Do what you want.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Sweet! If I win, could you give me pizza rights back or something?

**SATSUKI:** I'll think about it.

[_SANAGEYAMA leaves. SATSUKI's phone rings. SOROI picks it up_]

**SOROI:** Ah yes, hello, milady. (_pause_) What? No! (_pause_) Okay then. (_bringing the phone over to SATSUKI_) It's your mother.

**SATSUKI:** Oh god. (_picking up the phone_) What is it, Mother? Is this about the blackout?

**RAGYO:** Nonsense, Satsuki. You know that REVOCS HQ is powered by my hair.

[_it cuts to the other three ELITE FOUR members waiting for SANAGEYAMA's battle with RYUKO_]

**NONON:** Does he seriously think that he's going to win? Why did Satsuki even give HIM permission to fight her in the first place?

**INUMUTA:** Speaking of Satsuki, where even is she?

**GAMAGOORI:** She said that this battle wasn't even worth watching.

**NONON:** Well, of course not!

[_it cuts to RYUKO entering the gym for her battle with SANAGEYAMA_]

**RYUKO:** Okay, what unlucky person challenged ME to a battle?

**SANAGEYAMA:** There's only room for one slang-talking, flippy-haired coolkid in this show, and that's me!

[_he transforms_]

**RYUKO:** Wow, that looks WAY cooler than Senketsu!

**SANAGEYAMA:** I know, right?

**SENKETSU:** Hey!

**RYUKO:** Oh well, I better transform too, I guess! LIFE FIBER SYNCHRONIZE!

[_she transforms and starts attacking him. He hits RYUKO away_]

**RYUKO:** GOTTA GO FAST! (_she runs and becomes a blur_)

[_SANAGEYAMA nyooms towards her and hits her_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Well, you're too slow! My eyes can totes pick up all of your movements! Gnarly, right?

**INUMUTA:** Allow me to exposit on this phenomenon.

**NONON:** Oh no you don't, Techno. Light-Rock already explained it.

**GAMAGOORI:** Ryuko is in trouble now, isn't she?

**INUMUTA:** Do you not realize who she's fighting? Of course she isn't.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Now, let's see if you can defeat this! (_he hits her multiple times_) Jeez, I didn't realize that you'd be THIS bad at trying to beat me! That's just not cool, bro! Oh well, I guess I win!

[_he comes at her again, only to have RYUKO cut off a part of SENKETSU and have him block out SANAGEYAMA's eyes_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** DUDE WHAT THE FLYING FUCK

**RYUKO:** You shouldn't have REVEALED YOUR ADVANTAGE THAT EARLY IN THE FIGHT!

[_she uses her finishing move on him and absorbs his life fibers_]

**NONON:** (_sarcastically and flatly_) Oh no, he lost.

**INUMUTA:** I don't know why we even bothered watching this fight.

**SANAGEYAMA:** (_at RYUKO_) WHOA, BRO! I CAN STILL-

(_GAMAGOORI whips him_)

**GAMAGOORI:** STOP IT, YOU **SON OF A BADGEBREAKER**. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING EVERYONE.

[_it cuts to the sewing labs. IORI is sitting in front of some computers when SANAGEYAMA walks in_]

**IORI:** Oh my god, Sanageyama. If you're checking to see if I'm doing "creepy experiments" again, I am banning you from my lab.

**SANAGEYAMA:** It's not that. I need to ask you to do something.

[_it cuts to SATSUKI and SOROI in the rain, in front of SANAGEYAMA_]

**SATSUKI:** Did you lose? You lost, didn't you? I knew it. Get out of my sight, loser.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Sight? Sight is exactly what I've come to you about. (_he lifts up his head and thunder cracks_]

**SATSUKI:** Nice to see that you've finally mastered the art of dramatic timing.

[_it cuts to RYUKO receiving another challenge from SANAGEYAMA_]

[_it then cuts to HONNOUJI ACADEMY's yard_]

**RYUKO:** Didn't I already beat this guy? I thought that I didn't have to fight bosses that I already defeated.

**SATSUKI:** Don't worry about it, Ryuko. Lots of people fight bosses multiple times.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Damn right. Now, watch me.

[_he transforms_]

**SENKETSU:** Ryuko, you might not want to know this right now...

**RYUKO:** What?

**SENKETSU:** But I feel the tingle of character development coming off of him.

**RYUKO:** It's fine, we're the main characters! We can totally still win this.

[_she transforms and blocks out his eyes with SENKETSU again. She then comes at him from the back, only to be hit by SANAGEYAMA. She goes rolling_]

**RYUKO:** WHAT THE-

**SENKETSU:** HIS EYES ARE NOW WEIRD STAR SHAPES!

[_it cuts to the sewing labs last night_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Could you sew my eyes shut?

**IORI:** Wha-? But then you won't be able to fight!

**SANAGEYAMA:** Listen, we all know that you are barely restraining the urge to do weird experiments at all times, so now I'm giving you the opportunity!

**IORI:** I told you already that I don't do weird experiments! The incident was one time!

**SANAGEYAMA:** Please? It's the only way that I can beat Ryuko!

**IORI:** Oh god, I can't believe that I'm agreeing to this.

[_it cuts back to the present, with SATSUKI yelling_]

**SATSUKI:** This man would sacrifice everything for the sake of becoming better! For that reason, you should respect him, as we should have learned to long ago.

**RYUKO:** (_as SANAGEYAMA comes at her_) Oh, no. No no no no no. (_he hits her with his sword as she blocks with her scissor_) OH GOD, NO! SENKETSU, WE'VE UNDERESTIMATED HIM!

**SANAGEYAMA:** I can sense everything now! My senses have become AT LEAST 200% RADDER!

**SATSUKI:** This is his uniform's new power. Well done, Iori.

**IORI:** Huh? All I did was sew his eyes shut!

**SATSUKI:** Well, it seems to have made him more compatible with his uniform.

**SANAGEYAMA:** I'M DONE WITH BEING DISRESPECTED BY EVERYONE ALL THE TIME!

**RYUKO:** (_being hit by SANAGEYAMA_) ARRGGHHH!

**SATSUKI:** Now, nobody can escape from him!

**SANAGEYAMA:** NOW, DIE! (_his uniform powers down_) WHAT THE-?

**IORI:** It overheated from his sheer power? That's never happened before!

[_it cuts to the place where RYUKO used to be_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** Dammit! GODDAMMIT!

**SATSUKI:** Well done, Sanageyama. It seems that everybody has indeed underestimated you all these years, for which I apologize.

[_it cuts to RYUKO in an alley, breathing heavily_]

**RYUKO:** Dammit! GODDAMMIT! That guy was so FUCKING...! Argh, no matter! I'll beat him next time. I'll beat ALL OF THEM AND AVENGE MY DAD!

[_it cuts to SANAGEYAMA with IORI behind him_]

**IORI:** Okay, I fixed the uniform so that it won't overheat.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Thanks, man. Sorry for all that about the creepy experiments earlier. We're cool now, right?

**IORI:** Suuuuure we are, Sanageyama.

[_it cuts to SATSUKI sitting in a chair_]

**SATSUKI:** You what?

**SANAGEYAMA:** I just wanna say thank you for apologizing for not respecting me, bro.

**SATSUKI:** No prob, as you would say. Now, what was that about getting pizza rights back?

**SANAGEYAMA:** Sorry, but my tongue can't stand the taste of shitty fast food anymore.

**SATSUKI:** Oh well. It's your loss.


	7. Don't Talk About It

**MANKANSHOKUS:** EAT UP!

**RYUKO:** Gee, this sure is... good?

**SUKUYO:** Thank you! Have some more!

**RYUKO:** EW! I mean, I'm already full, bye! (_cuts to the bathroom_) Thank GOD I could get away from that. Even though it's actually kind of good.

**SENKETSU:** Gross.

**RYUKO:** Hey, shut up! At least it's nice having family dinners, and it's good to know that nothing could ever change that. _Nothing._

* * *

[_it cuts to the title screen of the episode, reading __**EPISODE 7: DON'T TALK ABOUT IT**_]

* * *

**RYUKO AND MAKO:** LET'S EAT!

**KNIFE THROWING CLUB LEADER:** (_throwing a knife into RYUKO's food_) DIE!

**RYUKO:** The fuck, dude?

**NANJING LILY CLUB LEADER:** I'LL DEFEAT YOU!

**RYUKO:** what-

**TIGHTROPE WALKING CLUB LEADER:** I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT I-

**RYUKO:** **NO! **(_she uses her finishing move on KNIFE THROWING CLUB LEADER_) **FUCK!** (_she uses her finishing move on NANJING LILY CLUB LEADER_) **YOU!** (_she uses her finishing move on TIGHTROPE WALKING CLUB LEADER_)

**RYUKO:** Jeez, what is these peoples' DEAL?

**MAKO:** Welllll, Satsuki said that any Club Leader who could defeat you could be a three star and have a super cool life!

**RYUKO:** Soooo, what you're saying is that the higher ranked you are, the better you live?

**MAKO:** Yep!

**RYUKO:** Well, I think it's time to exploit the system for all it's worth!

[_it cuts to RYUKO sitting next to a sign reading "Fight Club"_]

**GAMAGOORI:** What in the **BLAZING DICKENS** is this about? Fight Clu-?

**RYUKO:** SHHH! Don't talk about it.

**GAMAGOORI:** Wha- Oh, we're going this route with the jokes, I see. Well, do you seriously think that Satsuki will-

**SATSUKI:** Approved! The Fight Clu-

**RYUKO:** SHHHHHHH! Don't TALK about it!

**SATSUKI:** ...Deal with this, Gamagoori. Satsuki out.

**GAMAGOORI:** Alright, transfer student. (_dumps paperwork on desk_) You'd better get your **PATOOTIE** ready for some **PAPERWORK**.

**RYUKO:** Hhhhhhhhhhhh I changed my mind Mako can be club leader.

**MAKO:** wHAA- (_later_) -AAT THE HELL, RYUKO?

**RYUKO:** Hey, don't worry. I'm sure you'll be a great club president, buddy!

**MAKO:** It was still a DICK MOVE, RYUKO!

[_it cuts to RYUKO in front of the FOLK DANCE CLUB LEADER_]

**RYUKO:** Hey guess what.

**FOLK DANCE CLUB LEADER:** What?

**RYUKO:** You're DEAD! (_she uses her finishing move on her_) Oh yeah! I'm still hardcore as fuck!

**MAKO:** Yaaaayy...

[_it cuts through multiple scenes of RYUKO defeating leaders and MAKO doing official stuff_]

[_it then cuts to the MANKANSHOKUS inside their new One-Star house_]

**MAKO:** Oh YES! ALL THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS SPENT CRYING OVER PAPERWORK HAVE FINALLY PAID OFF!

**RYUKO:** They sure have, Mako. And it's all thanks to you!

**MAKO:** And you, Ryuko!

**RYUKO:** I guess it worked out fine in the end, didn't it?

**MAKO:** Mmmhmm!

[_it cuts through even more scenes of RYUKO defeating and MAKO official-ing_]

**MAKO:** I vote that we be moved up to an even better house!

[_it cuts to the MANKANSHOKUS' new house_]

**RYUKO:** (_sitting alone_) Well, everything suddenly went to shit and I'm alone again.

**MAKO:** Sorry I'm late, Ryuko! I was busy getting these cool new glasses and this cool new suit. Now, as your boss-

**RYUKO:** Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Boss?

**MAKO:** Well, yeah! I'm the club's leader, and you're just a member. So YOU listen to ME. And I say that we need to do all we can to make sure that we don't become poor again! So get ready for fights!

**RYUKO:** Sure... I guess...

[_the next day, in the gym_]

**MAKO:** Alright, Ryuko! I got Sanageyama's permission to get all the athletic clubs in this gym at once so that you may REND THEM LIMB FROM LIMB. (_quickly_) Of course, I didn't TELL him that I was gathering them here for that.

**RYUKO:** HHHUuhhh?

**MAKO:** (_through a megaphone_) THIS IS FIGHT CLUB PRESIDENT MAKO MANKANSHOKU SAYING "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

[_it cuts to after the fight_]

**MAKO:** Good job, Ryuko. Now come with me so that you may DESTROY MORE PEOPLE AND BATHE IN THEIR BLOOD.

[_it cuts through more scenes of RYUKO fighting and MAKO official-ing, except this time it's a lot worse than the first two times_]

[_it then cuts to MAKO in front of the ELITE FOUR_]

**NONON: **So you're saying that YOU want to challenge US for the position of being a Three-Star.

**MAKO:** I'm glad you understand, future corpse!

[_it cuts to the ELITE FOUR's meeting room_]

**NONON:** And then she called me a future corpse! Are you just going to let this happen, Satsuki!?

**GAMAGOORI:** She does have a point, you know.

**SANAGEYAMA:** Don't worry, I'll just take 'em down, bros!

**INUMUTA:** Shut the fuck up, Sanageyama.

**SATSUKI:** I think you all need to shut up. All we need to do now is watch and wait.

[_it cuts to the next day_]

**MAKO:** Watch out, Elite Four. The Fight Club's going to turn you into PULP! EVIL LAUGH! AAAAHAHAHAHA! AHAHA-

[_RYUKO throws a letter into MAKO's face_]

**RYUKO:** I resign. Get yourself a new employee, _boss_.

**MAKO:** WHAT? You can't just bail on me like thaAARGH! (_a wardrobe falls from the sky and cuts MAKO off_)

**SATSUKI:** Mako Mankanshoku! There is your Two-Star uniform. Now, fight Ryuko for your money! And, uh, for a Three-Star uniform.

**MAKO:** Yes, ma'am!

**RYUKO:** (_transforming_) Satsuki-

[_she is cut off by the wardrobe opening to reveal FIGHT CLUB LEADER MAKO MANKANSHOKU_]

**MAKO:** I'm Fight Club Leader Mako Mankashoku! Get ready, Ryuko, because I'm going to Mankan-choke you!

**NONON:** HA, puns.

**INUMUTA:** Sanageyama would be so proud.

**SANAGEYAMA:** ...What?

**MAKO:** (_throwing weapons from inside of her coat_) HYAH!

**RYUKO:** What the- (_she gets hit in the face, but still comes rushing out of the smoke towards MAKO_)

[_MAKO swings her club at RYUKO_]

**RYUKO:** Mako, listen to me! Fight Club-

**MAKO:** YOU DO NOT! TALK! ABOUT! FIGHT CLUB!

**RYUKO:** I'M SORRY, MAKO! YOU'VE SUCCUMBED TO GREED! (_RYUKO is thrown back by MAKO's club and catches a glimpse of the MANKANSHOKUS_) Guys! Help me snap Mako out of- huh?

**BARAZO:** DESTROY HER!

**SUKUYO:** CRUSH HER LIKE AN ANT BENEATH YOUR FEET!

**MATARO:** BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

**RYUKO:** GOD DAMMIT, IS THIS WHERE MAKO GETS HER CREEPY IMAGINATION FRO- (_she is caught by a chain_) AARRRGH!

**SATSUKI:** You see! This is what I'm always talking about! Humans are, indeed, pigs! Greedy, worthless pigs who must be made into bacon! I mean, tamed by force!

**MAKO:** DIE! (_she jumps up into the air and fires a missile at RYUKO_)

[_the explosion clears to reveal RYUKO standing there, untransformed_]

**RYUKO:** Okay, Mako. Hit me.

**SANAGEYAMA:** The fuck is happening?

**GAMAGOORI:** Does she have a death wish?

[_MAKO walks towards RYUKO and begins beating her up while her family cheers in the background. RYUKO flies backwards. It cuts to later that day, with MAKO running towards RYUKO to finish her. She stops short_]

**MAKO:** (_crying_) Oh, no, Ryuko! I'm sorry! All I really wanted was for everyone to be happy! (_she punches the ground and it basically explodes, sending everyone flying_)

[_at the bottom of the pit, MAKO looks around in awe_]

**RYUKO:** Gee, you really are making good use of Life Fibers' ground manipulation powers.

**MAKO:** HALLELUJAH! FIGHT CLUB IS HEREBY DISBANDED!

**RYUKO:** Y'see, Satsuki? Humans aren't as piglike as you thought!

**MAKO: **(_throwing her uniform in the air_) RYUKO!

**RYUKO:** ALLLLLLRIGHT! (_the uniform explodes in fireworks_)

**SATSUKI:** (_quietly_) ...Well done, Ryuko.

**MANKANSHOKUS:** (_running down to RYUKO_) WE'RE SORRY!

**RYUKO:** It's fine, as long as it doesn't happen again. Now, let's go home and forget this ever happened.

[_it fades to black, then cuts to the ELITE FOUR's meeting room_]

**SANAGEYAMA:** You WHAT?

**SATSUKI:** The other clubs were not worthy.

**NONON:** But going this far...?

**GAMAGOORI:** SILENCE DO NOT QUESTION SATSUKI

**SATSUKI:** Thank you, Gamagoori. We will indeed hold a new election for the Student Council!

**INUMUTA:** God dammit, I can't believe that _I_ didn't think of using Fight Club to purge the school.

**SATSUKI:** You mad, Inumuta? Don't get butthurt if you get memed on.


End file.
